The Real Astrological Sign Profiles

Have you ever read a horoscope describing your sign, and thought, I'm nothing like that! Well, this is a funny approach to my interpretation of the twelve signs of the Zodiac, as I've observed it in people.  But, please, don't take offence, you know there's a nugget of truth in there!

Aries(Mar 21-Apr 19) You talk too loud and chew with your mouth open.  You are egotistical and overly aggressive.  You think your ideas are the best, and if someone tries to tell you otherwise, you swear and start calling them names.  You have a bad temper, you're impatient and selfish.  And your sense of humor sucks.

Taurus(Apr 20-May 20) Not the sharpest tool in the shed.  When you finally get around to getting a job, you hoard all your money, cheap bastard.  You're anti-social and critical of others, but if someone is critical of you, you sulk and pout like a baby.  Did I mention you are dull and boring?

Gemini(May21-Jun 20) Totally psychotic, compulsive liars, and very, very charming.  If by charming you mean backstabbing and two-faced.  You love the sound of your own voice and fancy yourself the life of the party, and boy, do you love to party.  Geminis are notoriously bad lovers, but will screw anything that moves.

Cancer(Jun 21-Jul 22) You're always "forgetting" your wallet when you go out with friends.  You are crabby and moody.  You are always bitching and complaining, but you never do anything to help yourself.  You always put everything off for tomorrow, you are a waste, you will never get ahead.

Leo(Jul 23-Aug 22) You want to believe you are a born leader, but you're really just a bully.  You are a manipulative, extortionists with a superiority complex. You are arrogant and vain, and are in love with your own reflection.  You are a gossipy backstabber who can't keep a secret, and are known for kleptomaniacal behaviors.

Virgo(Aug 23-Sep 22) You annoy your friends with your severe OCD.  You are creepy and weird.  Chances are you stalk and skulk and hide behind bushes, instead of approaching the object of your obsession.  You are cold, unemotional and frigid.  Your nit-picking and whining drives everyone crazy.

Libra(Sep 23-Oct 22) Totally unbalanced, the true definition of bi-polar.  You think your taste is impeccable and refined, but you are tacky and cheap.  You are snobby and stuck-up, unless you want something out of someone, which you usually do.  You are a user.  Slutty and freaky, you are a carrier of venereal diseases.

Scorpio(Oct 23-Nov 21) Dark, quiet, mysterious with psychopathic tendencies.  You are ruthless and cruel.  Every minute detail of your sordid existence is calculated and controlled.  You are a total control freak.  Your mind is a deep black hole inhabited with demons.  One look in your eyes will turn anyone to stone.  You probably eat your young.

Sagittarius(Nov 22-Dec 21) Clueless, oblivious, happy-go-lucky.  You have no natural talents to speak of, so you rely on charm and luck.  Did I mention clueless?  You walk around with blinders, and fall on your face a lot, probably because you are always drunk or stoned or both.  You think you're hilarious, but people aren't laughing with you, they're laughing at you.

Capricorn(Dec 22-Jan 19) Simple and narrow-minded.  Extremely conservative, stuffy-types.  Total party-poopers, you don't know how to have fun.  You are frugal to a fault, sexist, disciplinarian, shallow and oppressive.  Just like a Taurus, very boring.

Aquarius(Jan 20-Feb 19) You are psychotic and paranoid.  Narcissistic and weird, most people think you're a jerk.  You lack the compassion gene, and use our inventiveness for perverted endeavors.  Another one that loves to moan and complain about everything, you think the world is against you.  Most likely to be a sexual deviant.

Pisces(Feb 20-Mar 20) You live in your own little world somewhere off in space.  Wishy-washy, indicisive, with a tendency for inferiority complex.  Spineless and cowardly, you tend to blend in to the crowd seamlessly.  You go home and cry when no one plays with you at the sandbox.