Astrology Report

If your birthday is today, December 2nd, you are very likely considered by others to be romantic and creative.  You are sensitive and guarded, but deep down inside you are wild and out of control.  When you realize what a mess you have made, you shrug your shoulders and pretend that everything will be okay.  You also have a tendency to over-indulge in all those things that can be bad for your figure, like alcohol and doughnuts, so needless to say, obesity could be a problem at different times in your life.

You also share a birthday with Britney Spears, the fallen-from-grace, come-back-pop-trainwreck.  Britney, who turns 27 today, is best known for her bad taste in men, exposing her crotch to the paparazzi, public head-shaving, and umbrella-weilding erratic behavior.  The former Mousketeer turned bad girl is poised for a comeback–again, with the release of her new album Circus.

Other “celebrities” you might think you are like are Sarah Silverman(Jimmy Kimmel’s ex-girlfriend), Stone Phillips(talking head on Dateline), and Lucy Liu(crazy Asian chick in Kill Bill).

Have you ever read a horoscope describing your sign, and thought, I’m nothing like that! Well, this is a funny approach to my interpretation of the twelve signs of the Zodiac, as I’ve observed it in people.  But, please, don’t take offence, you know there’s a nugget of truth in there!

Aries(Mar 21-Apr 19) You talk too loud and chew with your mouth open.  You are egotistical and overly aggressive.  You think your ideas are the best, and if someone tries to tell you otherwise, you swear and start calling them names.  You have a bad temper, you’re impatient and selfish.  And your sense of humor sucks.

Taurus(Apr 20-May 20) Not the sharpest tool in the shed.  When you finally get around to getting a job, you hoard all your money, cheap bastard.  You’re anti-social and critical of others, but if someone is critical of you, you sulk and pout like a baby.  Did I mention you are dull and boring?

Gemini(May21-Jun 20) Totally psychotic, compulsive liars, and very, very charming.  If by charming you mean backstabbing and two-faced.  You love the sound of your own voice and fancy yourself the life of the party, and boy, do you love to party.  Geminis are notoriously bad lovers, but will screw anything that moves.

Cancer(Jun 21-Jul 22) You’re always “forgetting” your wallet when you go out with friends.  You are crabby and moody.  You are always bitching and complaining, but you never do anything to help yourself.  You always put everything off for tomorrow, you are a waste, you will never get ahead.

Leo(Jul 23-Aug 22) You want to believe you are a born leader, but you’re really just a bully.  You are a manipulative, extortionists with a superiority complex. You are arrogant and vain, and are in love with your own reflection.  You are a gossipy backstabber who can’t keep a secret, and are known for kleptomaniacal behaviors.

Virgo(Aug 23-Sep 22) You annoy your friends with your severe OCD.  You are creepy and weird.  Chances are you stalk and skulk and hide behind bushes, instead of approaching the object of your obsession.  You are cold, unemotional and frigid.  Your nit-picking and whining drives everyone crazy.

Libra(Sep 23-Oct 22) Totally unbalanced, the true definition of bi-polar.  You think your taste is impeccable and refined, but you are tacky and cheap.  You are snobby and stuck-up, unless you want something out of someone, which you usually do.  You are a user.  Slutty and freaky, you are a carrier of venereal diseases.

Scorpio(Oct 23-Nov 21) Dark, quiet, mysterious with psychopathic tendencies.  You are ruthless and cruel.  Every minute detail of your sordid existence is calculated and controlled.  You are a total control freak.  Your mind is a deep black hole inhabited with demons.  One look in your eyes will turn anyone to stone.  You probably eat your young.

Sagittarius(Nov 22-Dec 21) Clueless, oblivious, happy-go-lucky.  You have no natural talents to speak of, so you rely on charm and luck.  Did I mention clueless?  You walk around with blinders, and fall on your face a lot, probably because you are always drunk or stoned or both.  You think you’re hilarious, but people aren’t laughing with you, they’re laughing at you.

Capricorn(Dec 22-Jan 19) Simple and narrow-minded.  Extremely conservative, stuffy-types.  Total party-poopers, you don’t know how to have fun.  You are frugal to a fault, sexist, disciplinarian, shallow and oppressive.  Just like a Taurus, very boring.

Aquarius(Jan 20-Feb 19) You are psychotic and paranoid.  Narcissistic and weird, most people think you’re a jerk.  You lack the compassion gene, and use our inventiveness for perverted endeavors.  Another one that loves to moan and complain about everything, you think the world is against you.  Most likely to be a sexual deviant.

Pisces(Feb 20-Mar 20) You live in your own little world somewhere off in space.  Wishy-washy, indicisive, with a tendency for inferiority complex.  Spineless and cowardly, you tend to blend in to the crowd seamlessly.  You go home and cry when no one plays with you at the sandbox.

If November 26th is your birthday, your friends will tell you that you are funny and warm-hearted.  That you are a creative thinker with wild ideas.  But really what you want is the undying attention of those around you and will do what it takes to keep it.  You tend to be moody and irrepressible.

You also share a birthday with this buxom lady, La Cicciolina.  This lady is famously known for exhibiting her large, left breast on Italian television during a political debate, of which she was a participant.  She once offered to have sex with the Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein in order to restore peace in the Middle East. Ms. Cicciolina, apart from being involved in politics, is also an actress of pornographic “films.” She’s a real genius and a total dead-ringer for Anna Nicole Smith.

Other geniuses might be likened to are Tina Turner(singer, dancer, Buddhist diva), Robert Goulet(singer, actor, guy with a mustache), Charles Schulz(creator of Snoopy).

Scorpio- Get in the driver’s seat and take control of your life.  It’s time to grow up Scorpio, don’t doubt yourself, you’ve learned a thing or two in this lifetime, put your smarts to the test this week, you’ll do just fine.

Sagittarius- Just because things aren’t going the way you want them to doesn’t mean you have to fly off the handle.  Have some tact, but stand your ground, and remember to keep the promises you made this week.

Capricorn- It feels like you’re spinning your wheels, not getting anywhere.  Maybe you should consider an alternate plan.  Maybe you need to expand your circle of friends, try something different, and stop putting the responsibility on others.

Aquarius- Are you feeling over-whelmed?  It’s time to take a break from all the worrying and just breath.  The problems aren’t going anywhere Aquarius, but if you’re going to keep going you’ll need your strength.  You’ll be well-advised to use some creative visualization to achieve some inner peace this week.

Pisces- Mood-swings abound this week for you Pisces, but don’t let that impair your judgement.  Don’t be tempted into escapism, stay grounded.  Have some fun this week, let your imagination reign.

Aries- Your still nursing some old battle wounds, but don’t let that turn you into a big grump.  You know what you want, whether it be in love or work, you just need to fine-tune that approach so as not to come across as too aggressive, we know deep down you’re a softy.

Taurus- My you’re in great spirits this week!  Just go with it, enjoy being you and don’t let others dictate who you are or should be.  You’ve been working real hard so take a break this weekend and just have some fun.

Gemini- You’re torn between slipping back to your old partying ways and your new-found sense of balance.  I suggest you try to employ some good judgement Gemini, there’s a time and a place for everything.  Don’t lose what you’ve worked so hard to get.

Cancer- It’s time to start looking toward the future Cancer.  Things aren’t what you thought they’d be and you want to retreat into your shell.  Understandibly you want to hide, but now is not the time.  You’re starting over from scratch, so be practical about where you direct your energy.  It’s time for a transformation.

Leo- Don’t let yourself get entangled in misunderstandings this week Leo.  Be clear about your intentions and your message will be heard.  This weekend is a great time for socializing, but don’t get too crazy, you don’t want to have to be nursing a hang-over.

Virgo- You’re feeling crabby and impatient. Nothing is going according to plan this week, but don’t freak out!  Take a chill-pill, do some yoga, or meditate.  Do whatever you need to do to keep from getting snotty with those around you, remember this too will pass.

Libra- Things are taking a turn for the best Libra.  You will start to see the fruits of your labor this week, but don’t let that stop you from pushing for more.  Think of ways to challenge yourself further since you are capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for.  And don’t forget to thank those who help you.

Scorpio this is a good time to rethink your scheming ways. The new Moon in your sign will bring you a rebirth, which is long overdue.

Sagittarius it’s all fun and games until you get the bill. Well, there’s no running away from your responsibilities this week. And you know what they say about assumptions… so don’t.

Capricorn you want your cake and you want it now! Too bad, this week you’re going to have to be patient. And don’t huff and puff about it, your friends don’t want to hear it. Chill out and rethink your plans.

Aquarius you’re going to have to stop playing the victim this week and stop that whining that everyone finds so off-putting. If you can’t play nice, then don’t play at all.

Pisces this is a good week to mingle, but be careful how you steer the conversation, you could reveal more than you need to. And it will come back and bite you.

Aries stop being so insecure and you might actually get lucky. Guard your cash and your time this week because the moochers are out to get you. And don’t lose your temper.

Taurus try not to be a bully this week or you’ll end up having to do a lot of explaining and apologizing, two things you hate more than anything.

Gemini you are actually on top of things this week, don’t let people’s mood swings and inconsistencies destabilize you now. Nose to the grindstone!

Cancer brace yourself for big changes this week. Your sensitive little soul will be in the emotional wringer, but it’s all for the best. Trust me.

Leo you are always so cheery and funny, and usually annoying to the moodier signs. But this week your sunny disposition and sense of humor are a welcome as so many of us are in a funk.

Virgo you’re going to need to simmer down your money worries this week or you’ll find yourself arguing with everyone. And stop freaking out so much about what others think of you.

Libra protect your assets and respect your deadlines this week. The focus should be on the future in the long-run, so avoid lashing out at your allies.