The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective.

This week, the myriad wonders of astrology will be conveyed to us with the help of Gunther Bloodsabbath, the lead singer of platinum-selling death metal band Shrieking Cadaver. Mr. Bloodsabbath took time out of his busy touring schedule to impart his wisdom unto us children of the stars.

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The stars don't need trained professionals to read them. Fate has been moving since before humans appeared in this world and it will work its wonders after we've gone. That's why we like to invite new people to our humble blog to read the weekly horoscopes from a fresh perspective. This week, we asked "Duffel Bag Dave", a citizen of the world but most recently of a bush not far from Safeco Field, to grant us his insight into what the paths of the zodiac have to offer this week.

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I remember when I read one of my first astrological books back in grade school. It mentioned a highly affable person who shook your hand vigorously, making him or herself your new best friend upon introduction. “Congratulations, you’ve just been adopted by an Aries,” the book read, and I thought—yep, that’s my mother.

If you were born between March 21 and April 19, your sun sign is Aries. Friendly, creative, and inventive, Aries makes a great leader. Self-confident and audacious, Aries is not afraid to make new friends, try new things, and really experience life to its fullest. Aries is symbolized by the Ram.

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As a Scorpio, I love the fact that my little sister is a Pisces. We are both water signs and are able to get along so well in our emotional, creative worlds better than I know we would if either of us was instead a fire sign.

If you were born between February 20 and March 20, your sun sign is said to be Pisces. Idealistic, sensitive, and compassionate, Pisces are born artists and dreamers. They usually have a strong sense of intuition as well as being selfless and sympathetic. Pisces are the ultimate humanitarians.

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If you were born between December 22 and January 19, you are an ambitious and patient Capricorn. Responsible, loyal, and resourceful, Capricorns make wonderful friends and caregivers. Sympathetic, helpful and caring, Capricorns will always help a friend in need. They don’t, however, like to rely on others and prefer to do things independently themselves.

Capricorns are said to be most compatible with Taurus, Virgo, and other Capricorns. Capricorn is an earth sign, and is also considered a feminine, introverted sign.

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The lucky optimist, Sagittarius is one of the most active, vivacious members of the zodiac. Born between November 22 and December 21, the Archer is a masculine (extroverted) fire sign, mutable and ruled by planet Jupiter.

Sagittarians are most compatible with other fire signs—such as other Sagittarians as well as Leos and Aries.

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Jealous and possessive, loyal and passionate, Scorpio is definitely one of the most intense—if not the most intense—signs. If you were born between October 23 and November 22, you are a secretive Scorpio. A water sign, Scorpio is considered feminine and introverted, and is ruled by the planets Mars and Pluto.

A water sign, Scorpio is said to be most compatible with the other water signs of the zodiac—Cancer, Pisces, and of course, Scorpio.

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If your birthday falls between September 22 and October 23, you’re a romantic, diplomatic Libra. Libras are peace-loving, sociable people who are usually very idealistic and charming. An air sign, Libra is considered masculine and extroverted, and is ruled by the planet Venus, the planet of love and desire.

Leos are said to be compatible with Aquarius and Gemini, which are both air signs as well.

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If you were born between July 23 and August 23, you’re a loyal, confident Leo. Leos are known to be encouraging and generous friends, and are ambitious in most aspects of their lives. A fire sign, Leo is considered masculine and extroverted, and is ruled by the Sun.

Leos are said to be compatible with Sagittarius and Aries, both also fire signs.

If you are a Leo, you share your sign with Evangeline Lily, Wesley Snipes, Jacqueline Kennedy, Henry Ford, Emily Bronte, Amelia Earhart, Tom Barry, Dustin Hoffman, Halle Berry, Mich Jagger, Alfred Hitchcock, John Stamos, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Charlize Theron, Jerry Garcia, Benito Mussolini, Neil Armstrong, Matthew Perry, Sandra Bullock, Patrick Swayze, Madonna, Jamie Presley, Robert De Niro, Bill Clinton, Jennifer Lopez, Peggie Fleming, Andy Warhol, and Christian Slater.

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